Episode SPOILER III Favorite Scenes SPOILER

I went and saw Revenge of the Sith last night. If you’re worried about this movie, worry no longer. If you liked Battlefield Earth, Chronicles of Riddick, Gigli, and Howard the Duck then you’ll LOVE Revenge of the Sith. Actually, it’s a pretty good movie by my standards of pretty good movies. Here’s my favorite scenes. If you haven’t seen the movie READ NO FURTHER. You’ll spoil your movie experience and become terribly mad at me.

-Jar Jar and R2D2 doing the Charleston and Jitterbug at the party at the end.

-The oh-so-cute baby Admiral Ackbar saying, “It’s a twap!”

-The part where evil Palpatine tries to kill one hundred and one wookies to make himself a warm wookie coat.

-Palpatine using his dark side powers of energy to recharge his laptop.

-Darth Vader and Palpatine performing “It had to be you,” vaudeville style, with lightsabers.

-The part where Anakin switches the statue in the temple with a bag of dust, and then has to outrun a boulder.

-Obi-wan explaining to the cop that he was following the speed limit- from a certain point of view.

-Qui-Gonn Jinn’s ghost endorsing Frito-Lays.

-Palpatine initiating “Order 67,” which made License Tabs only 30 dollars, but at the redcution of public transportation and public services funds. That evil monster!

-The much anticipated Yoda Vs. Alf fight.

-The explanation for why “Kashyyyk” has so many y’s.

-The scene with Count Dooku flushing the Jedi Code down the toilet.

-The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man marching through Coruscant.

-General Grievous yelling at Tom Cruise that he “can’t handle the truth.”

-Senator Bail Organa arguing Resolution 365-15-1 before the Galatic Senate (The water fluoridation resolution)

-Anakin telling Padme, “I hate Mayonnaise. It’s all slimy and goopy. Unlike you, shnookums” in the most romantic scene in the movie.

-Padme craving, “bantha meat drizzled in Jawa sauce topped with Kessel vinegar and peanut butter,” during her pregnancy.

-George Lucas’s cameo as a rich, powerful, member of the Trade Federation who cares nothing for the demands and complaints of his customers.

-The scene where Obi-Wan and Anakin fail to do the Volcano Dance correctly and anger Mustafar, God of Fire. The consequences are impressive.

-George Lucas’s subtle political message when he has Anakin say, “Now I’m evil! Just like George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, who was elected not selected and who got us in an unwinnable war in Iraq, which is a quagmire just like Vietnam!”

-The discovery that the entire Separatist vs. Republic conflict was all a scheme to get oil. Sweet, sweet, oil.

-And my favorite scene: The Super Bombad Racing.

The "Top Five Posts That I Could Read In The Carnival of Comedy" Awards.

The great thing about the Carnival of Comedy is that it allows all sorts of people in, without "judging" who's the "best" and who's "first" and all those socially-damaging capatilistic aspects of our culture. Instead, everyone sits at the Round Table, equal in the carnival of love.

I'm here to put a stop to that.

Here's the rankings to what I feel are the top five posts in the Carnival of Comedy that I could read. I have a filter that filters out random websites, and so if you didn't get on my top five, it's probably because your server is blocked. Just keep thinking that, and you'll be happy.

Members of the IMAO.us groupblog are disqualified for being too funny and overexposed as it is.

5) -Respectful Insolence presents A Field Guide to Biomedical Meeting Creatures. The Word Biomedical scared me, but I have bared witness to enough after-speech questions that this was amusing to me. My favorite were the kids at Scholarship competitions who'd ask questions like, "Are we going to get a chance to Expand our Horizons and meet Experience Diverse and Exciting New Learning Opportunities?"

I was more of the, "Is there going to be any Cake after this speech is finally over" type questioner.

4) Willisms gives some amusing/frightening photoshops for this eventful weekend in our World's History..

3) North Shore politics presents: For those times that you absolutely crave human. It's a sick and twisted world we live in. But tasty. Sick and twisted- but tasty.

2) -PointFiveStep presents The Puffington post. A lot of it doesn't technically make sense to me, and it uses the A-Hole word, but it has a picture of Mayor McCheese. That's what put it over the top for me.

1) Finally, coming it at number one, is one of the most underrated satirists on the web, and one my favorite bloggers that I am always forgetting about: The Therapist: with Senator Boxer decries abuses at "Abby Grub."

For those who didn't qualify, don't sweat it. Senses of humor can be radically different. For example, some people find the crude, plebian humor of the "Royal Tannenbuams" funny, while others prefer the higher, more artsy and insisive musings of the critically aclaimed "Naked Gun" series.

New Post! New Post! New Post!

Eject! Eject! Eject!, my favorite writer in the entire write-o-sphere this side of James Lileks, has finally posted the next in his series of compelling essays. As always the analysis is thought-provoking, the conclusion is mind blowing, and the special effects- while sometimes overblown- are entertaining.

Click. Read. Conquer.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

He's even more twisted and evil than we ever imagined!

Patrick Ruffini offers an ominous picture of Darth Vader's true, but predictable, political affiliation.

I, too, have required an exclusive photo- this one of Darth Vader's earlier years.

Who knew that he was this depraved?!



Full size Image.

Chilling. He had a pretty good batting average, the ESPN.com archives say, but his Asthma condition made him a lousy runner.

Take that Gonzaga!

So the dearth of publicity about Whitworth has finally ended! We finally get the recognition we deserve, and in a quality publication like the Spokesman "Registration Required" Review, as well.

The Bad News. It's not a glowing article about sports, or community service, or scientific discoveries made in the SAGA food. It's mainly focused about two Whitworth kids lining up, eyes aglow, ready to see the opening of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Excessively Long Title.

In one sense it's heartening. There are still kids out there willing to waste an excessively long amount of time for something useless they believe in. (It's kinda like the Democratic Convention. Ha!)

But in the other sense, this shows that Spokane, sadly, is a dying city. In a city like Seattle there would be HUNDREDS of Star Wars fans lined up in the cold wet rain to see something they could easily get into the next day.

We have but two. Always two there are. No more. No less.

By the way, big warning about reading the Spokesman Article. There are MAJOR SPOILERS. Which I shall reproduce fiendishly without a spoiler warning.

After that cheer-inducing yellow script scrolls, "Star Wars" super fans will watch as characters Master Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi, Emperor Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker, otherwise known as Darth Vader, log their final cinematic appearances in "Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith," the sixth and reportedly last film to be released in the series.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS DARTH VADER! Oh, my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Now that I think about it, it all becomes clear.

Anakin Skywalker= Whiny

"I wanna become a Jedi. My mom died. Wah. Wah. Wah!"

Darth Vader= Whiny.

"But Officer Needddaaaa.... I wanted the Millennium Falcon! Gosh! Your lack of faith is soooo DISTURBING! *Stomp Stomp Stomp* *SLAM* *Choke Choke Choke*"

The only thing that doesn't make sense is the voice. Anakin sounds kinda like Hayden Christiansen, whereas Darth Vader has a voice almost reminiscent of James Earl Jones. Maybe Anakin goes through puberty in this episode. I can't wait to see what effect Teen Angst has on a Jedi.

Let's just hope the movie turns out quality. Good things there's no anagram for "Sith" describing a "substance of inferior quality."

This just in!

Dude. Dude...

An Anagram of B. Gates is B. Saget.

Hope I didn't just blow your mind.

Newsweek: Uh-More Like... BOOZE SEEK!

The Newsweek scandal, of course, spawned dozens of blog-o-posts which used the word Newsweak. As if to imply the news in Newsweek, was, in fact, weak. Heh heh. It's a diabolically clever play-on-words.

Jonah Goldberg suggested "Todd," which, of course, doesn’t even rhyme! With a name like “Newsweek,” there are so many options, including
-ViewsBleak
-SkewsMeek
-Jooooos, Eeek!.
-WoosShiek.
-ChoosePink
-PoosReek.
-CluesLeak
-NewsGleek*
-DudesFreak
-U.S. News and World Report.

Of course, one might ask, why would we even want to come up with a disparaging nickname for an adversary? Isn’t that a symptom of Maureen Dowd Syndrome? (“…ChimpChimpMcBushington and Slick Cheney helping out their Corpulent-Corpse-Corporation, HELLiburt-and-ernie-ton.”)

*Gleeking, is of course, slang for a certain type of spitting between ones teeth- which was very popular at North Central in 11th grade.

The Restaurant Roughly Around the Center of the Universe.

Red Robin has a family-friendly policy to try to make their customers as smiling,, satisfied, and satiated as possible. That’s all nice and good, in a pre-Wall Mart Pleasantville land. But what if *I* was running a restaurant. How would it look? What would be *my* instructions to *my* employees. Do all of *my* personal pronouns have to be encased in *asterisks*? There’s only one way to find out! Keep reading… in my LONGEST POST YET TWO HOUR SEASON FINALE!

Restaurant Name.

A Restaurant by any other name may still taste as sweet, but can you imagine if McDonald’s was called McBain’s or McBeth’s? Superstitious theatre majors would never eat there. (And they would have a dastardly time cleaning dishes. Out, out, damn spot!)

Therefore, a title is important. With “Dick’s Drive Thru” already taken, I had a hard time coming up with a better name. But then it came to me: “Pity the Food.” It has the word “Food” in it, it makes people eat there out of Pity and it references Mr. T! It’s PERFECT!

Theme

Most popular restaurants have a theme as well. Red Robin has Family Values, Outback Steakhouse has Western, Wolfy’s drive thru has The Swinging 50’s, Del Taco has El Españolamente Languagemos, and Wendy’s has Surprise Human Limb Discoveries. Well, with Pity the Food the theme is obvious. FOOD! We can have all sorts of signs with Food on them. Maybe a mascot dressed up as a giant food. We can even- get this- sell food-related items along with serving our normal menu entrees.

Underlying Philosophy.

Thomas Hobbes, Nicholae Machiavelli and Adam Smith. Of course, even these brilliant mind bow to the enlightened thinking of George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. Alexander Hamilton. Thomas Jefferson. Benjamin Franklin. Ulysses S. Grant. You get the picture. The Green is King.

Birthday Song
Every good restaurant needs its own special birthday song, usually dealing with these two important themes:

1) Happy

2)Birthday

Unfortunately, the most popular Happy Birthday song, “Happy Birthday,” is copyrighted.

(Those that were at my 9th Birthday party remember when the door to my house was kicked down by a team of subpoena-wielding copyright lawyers, in the middle of singing Happy Birthday. Thinking fast, I threw my Power Rangers cake through the air as a distraction, there was a flash of exploding party favors, and I had disappeared, leaving only red streamers blowing lonely in the wind.)

Usually, restaurants parody a popular public domain song like “The Flintstones,” “Ring around the Rosy,” “Handel’s Messiah,” or “Taps” but these can’t hold a candle to Pity the Food’s symphonic masterpiece:

Your birthday will be happy! Gifts you’ll get a lot!
You’ll have a happy birthday, unless of course it’s not!
Because if your faking it’s your birthday, just to get dessert!
We’ll hunt you down in vengeance… and make it really hurt!

Of course, it’s always best to flatter the customers by guessing low on their age.

Waiter: Why, you must be like, sixteen today!
Customer: Thank, you deary. But I’m seventy-five today. Consarn it! Sonny, have you seen my dentures?
Waiter: And you and I’m guessing you’re- what- 110 pounds?
Customer: You’re only 200 off. Can I get a ladle to eat this Chili with?
Waiter: And your Social Security number is 345-52-8345? With a pin number of 8453?
Customer: Now you’re just being creepy.

We used to give the customer as many spankings as was their age, until the lawsuit.

Employee Tips:

Hosting

Hopefully, we can get either Billy Crystal or a team of two wisecracking African-American homedogskillets. If not, here are the tips for our employees. They shall be chosen on basis of personality, experience, and dancing ability.

-Greet every customer that comes through the door with something like “Good morning!” “How ya be!” “Heidy-Ho, customerino!” “Where can we sit you and your two baboons?” “We don’t serve your kind in here!” “I thought I told you never to show your stinkin’ face in here again!” or “IT’S A TRAP! Ha, ha! Just kidding. Come on in.”

-If you recognize them, greet the customer by name. “Why, Hello, Mr. Tony Blair, Prime Minister of England” or or “Hello, Dolly” or “Hello, Darkness, my old friend!” or “Hello, Ozzy Osborn, Prince of Darkness,” or “Hello, Bob Saget, Jester of Darkness.”

-If you don’t know his or her or its name, guess, and maybe you’ll get lucky. “Hello, Zit face!” or “Hello, Bug Breath,” or “Hello, Fatty McTubster!”

-Of course, in a year, you’ll have to greet most customers with, “Buenos Dias, Señor!”

-The most important thing a Host can wear is a smile. Also, pants.

-If there are any kids in a dining party, offer them the official Pity the Food placemat with all sort of fun games, including “Mini-Twister,” “The Screaming Game” and “Quarters.”

-Also offer the kids crayons to draw on the placemat, the walls, their parents, etc. Popular Pity the Food colors include “Melancholic Muave,” “Michael Jackson Black” and “Hamburger Patty Pink.”

-Be sure to offer booster seats to all babies, midgets, and Danny DeVito.

-As you walk to the table, make small talk with the party, asking them about their day, how they are, why did their husband leave them, if they’d be willing to spare any change for a poor Restaurant Host, etc.

-Hosts don’t get tips, but sometimes you can trick the customers into thinking they do.

-Choose a table that fits the customers. If they are a large party, give them a large table. If they are a small party, give them a smaller table. If they are a just-right party, give them a just-right table. If they are a table of WSU students, seat them as close to the bar and bathroom as possible.

-Give each of the customers a menu and recommend some specials, such as the “E-Coli Burger,” “Leftover Surprise” “Chilled Flambé” “The Ungodly Monstrosity Slab of Beef,” and the “Broken Jaw Beef Stew Milkshake”

-Answer the phone with “Hello, this is Mike Rotch, our refrigerator is running and all of our Prince Albert are in cans. *Heavy Breathing* Can I help you?” It’s called preemptive warfare.

-Offer leaving customers either complimentary mints or complimentary MACE, depending on if you’re in the Suburban or Downtown location.

-Also try to convince the customers to return with a hardy “Goodbye!” “Ya’ll come again now!” “Sorry about the whole dismemberment thing!” “Oh… you’ll be back. You’ll come crawling back, on your knees, begging for our tasty burgers,” “You may get away this time, customer! But I’ll get you back, if it’s the last thing I DO!”

Waiter/ Waitress/ Waitperson/Waitoid

-Male waiters have their choice of British or French accents. The advantage of a British Accent is that women seem to find it attractive. The Advantage of the French accent is that it allows you to spit in your customer’s food.

-Female Waitresses basically… well… all they have to do is be pretty. Nope. That’s not pretty enough! Try harder!

-If you can’t master that, work on your New Yoik Accent’s and smelling like an ashtray. There’s always the other end of the spectrum.

-Master the “Customer’s always funny” laugh”

Customer: “I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”
Waitress: “Teeheehee.”
--
Customer: “I’m sorry, I’m out of it. My wife just died of cancer.”
Waitress: Teeheehee!
Customer: No. I’m serious.
Waitress: Teeheehee!

-The customer probably wants his food as fast as possible, that greedy schmoe! He’ll never learn patience without your assistance. That’s what waiters do. They wait.

-Allow the customers to fill themselves up on bread or tortilla chips before the real food comes. While the restaurant loses money on this practice, it’s more than worth the entertainment value trying to see already-full customers gorge themselves. Just keep eating, obese America! You’re a pound closer to being fat enough to push into my candy-house oven!

-A customer might fall down, the clumsy oafs that they are. A great business practice is to help them up. Usually, their wallet will be in their right jean pocket.

-The best waiters can bring enormous quantities of food at a time. Some waiters miss the possibility that the pockets, mouth, and ears provide.

-Bring your customer their bill. Then run. Run like the wind.

-Right before the time comes to collect your tip, “happen” to mention that your mother died and your father got in a car accident and your seven children can’t eat because you spent all your money on little Johnny’s kidney transplant- which is came from your own body- and so all you need is just a few schillings, guv’nor… please sir, you want some more.

Bartender

-Every bartender must have a special drink they can mix-up. I call mine, “Orange Juice.”

-Know the signs of intoxication. If a customer is slurring his speech, drooling, staggering, using lampshades and chandeliers for unintended purposes, or laughing at “Everybody Loves Raymond” he’s clearly drunk.

-Make sure to withhold liquor from drunk patrons. Unless they’re just being hi-larious drunks. You don’t want to be a wet blanket (or a dry blanket, in this case, I suppose)

-ID everyone who can’t doesn’t know the theme song to Miami Vice.

-The ONLY acceptable forms of ID are drivers licenses, school IDs, social security cards, family pictures, narcissistic tattoos, embroidered underwear, and friends who can vouch for him.

-A good bartender ducks under the table when Gunslingin’ Gus the Sagebrush Strangler comes in. The piano seems to say that he’s a bad guy.

-Remember: Happy Hour is followed by Really Happy Hour, Aggressive Hour, Hallucination Hour, Sleepy Hour, and then finally, Headache Hour.

Dishwasher, Buser, Food Expeditor, Chef

What goes on in the back of the house, stays in the back of the house. I’m not one to reveal trade secrets.

Publicity.

If we follow all those suggestions listed above… I think we’ll get all the publicity we’ll ever need. Thank you, muckraking news media!

The Stall Street Covers the Flushing of Holy Water.

Okay… funny story. You know that whole Newsweek item about how the Imperialist TortureMongers at Guantanomo Bay were flushing down pages of the Koran that incited hundreds of people to riot and left like a whole bunch of people dead and injured and stuff?

Well… TURNS OUT… it was kinda… like… not true.

Ha! You got punk’d, world! Of course, poor Newsweek now has to consider discontinuing their popular “Darth Bush” series. That puts powerful articles like these in jeopardy:

Iraqis: America killed your Mom!

Tom Delay and the Filibuster: Shades of Vietnam.

Democracy in Iraq: Another sign of Swirling Quagmire.

Bush: Still looks like Monkey.
More on this as it develops.

Bush orders BatBoy to kill Runaway Bride!

Bush’s Hit List: Is your son or daughter’s life in danger?

Top Ten Changes to Saga After the Incident At Gonzaga

Red Robin, Red Robin,
Send Daniel a Job’in.

The rumors are true, I have a job. It’s not even a job that’s primary focus is on urinal scrubbing. Instead, it’s at a respectable dining establishment that doesn’t even have a “Mc” in its name: Red Robin. Red Robin respects their customers, prepares quality food, and strives to serve with a smile. In other words, after working at SAGA, its going to be a pretty big culture shock.

Here’s a top ten list I wrote mid-year, after 150 students were poisoned because of a student working at the Sodexho-Mariott at Gonzaga- the same company that owns the food service (SAGA) at Whitworth- where I worked. Fortunately, SAGA was a flexible company and willing to make changes.

(Disclaimer: This is Satire. Not necessarily funny, poignant, or remarkable, but Satire nonetheless. Don’t fire me, SAGA. I love you.)

10. Workers are now required to brush their teeth before spitting into the food.
9. Botulism must now be served before the expiration date.
8. Silverware must now be spit-shined twice.
7. Soiled Greens replaced with Soylent Green.
6. Instead of Imitation Rat, we now serve genuine Rat.
5. Fortune Cookies no longer have the “A stomach pump will play prominently in your future” fortune.
4. Complimentary mints replaced with Complimentary Advils.
3. Workers taught a radical and extreme new hygienic technique: Hand Washing.
2. It’s now the ‘four second’ rule.
1. The International dish, “Montezuma’s Revenge with Dysentery Sauce” will no longer be available.

Can't see my own reflection.

I have this Internet filter called 'Spocom'. (Spo as in Spokane and Com as in Communist.) In many ways, it's nice, because it blocks out most of the smut that slithers around the dark alleys of the Internet.

But there are also downsides.

I can't seem to look at my own blog. Oh, I can post on it, but after I've hit the Publish button it dissapears from me forever. Did I make a horrific typo. I may never know.

I can't access any Blogspot blog spot. That includes medicalmadhouse.blogspot.com, which I was going to add to my list o' links. I feel kinda funny linking something, however, which I have no IDEA what it is. Maybe it's a site where Terrorists hang out and discuss which Nuclear Warhead to steal next. Maybe it's a site so full of smut that even linking to it gives you seventy-three popup ads, all animated and with MIDI music. Maybe- even worse- it's a site with political views that differ from my own. I may never know.