UnWorthian Headlines #4

LOCAL

“Community Building Day” Less Popular than “Community Vandalism day.”.

Warren Foosball Table Claims Fifth life.

“The metal pole just shot forward and… oh the

humanity!” Shocked student says.

Whitworthian Celebrates 1st Freeman article of the year.

“Freeman’s shot JFK!” Article proclaims.

SAGA finally fixes Cocoa machine, Stewville freezes over.

Flying pigs promptly caught, butchered, and served as veal at SAGA.

Editorial: Stop Bashing Sodexho, Start Bashing SAGA.

NATIONAL

Constitution Declared Unconstitutional.

“The whole section on ‘restraining judicial power’ is sooooo 1790’s,” Justice Stevens says.

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Guys Are Stupid, New Study Shows.

No, there’s no joke. They’re just seriously stupid. Hate to be so blunt about it, but it is our solemn duty at the UnWorthian is to report the facts.