Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fox Hunting.

(Another unedited version of a Whitworthian Article)

Darkness. Silence. Suddenly, both are shattered by a driving, bombastic, drumbeat and a fiery explosion. Nay! Two fiery explosions, with a flaming implosion thrown in for good measure! Amongst the dank corners of a musty tower, evil men plot dirty deeds (and they’re done dirt cheap.) We know they’re evil, because they wear black, have masks, and speak in cultured British Accents.

Suddenly, the wall behind the evildoers explodes inwards, shattering brick and mortar. As the dust clears, the villainous villains are stunned to see a middle-aged man in a suit and tie. The mysterious intruder grips a giant mace. The mace slices through the air, on the end of a massive rusted chain, bludgeoning two ninjas and a pirate.

The man turns to the camera, and arches an eyebrow. “I’m Brit Hume,”

He pauses to shoot a terrorist with a flamethrower.

“And this… is Fox News.”

To the tune of Carl Orff’s ‘O Fortuna’ a giant 3D Fox News logo, wreathed in flames, soars down from the heavens and lands with a reverberating clap of thunder.

This is how Fox News starts a report on, say, the economic effects of cotton tariffs.

Perhaps this is what makes Fox the most hated news organization since the Stall Street Journal.

Critics charge Fox News with being sensationalistic, jingoistic, narcissistic, and even, at times, capitalistic. The horror. The horror.

Fox responded to these accusations by firing an American-flag adorned Supermodel out of the official Fox News Cannon© at a Monster Truck Rally.

Clearly, Fox had the more persuasive argument.

The conflict between Fox News and the traditional media is simply another front in the Culture War. It’s just like any other war, except instead of land, they fight for ideas, instead of mustard gas, they have Nielsen Ratings, instead of machine guns, they have microphones. Wait, scratch that. Fox still has machine guns.

The elite sees Fox News as the kinda thang that possum-snarfin’ inbred yokels like da watch on da teevee box. “C’mere ma, dat sarn-snifflin’ varmint Alan Colmes jest opened ‘is lib’ral yapper again.” Think… Idaho.

That’s compared to the New York Times, a newspaper steeped in Goatee-Stroking Concern that regularly spends hundreds of pages lamenting the deforesting of America. They have a section called the Arts, where they might devote 3000 words to psychoanalyzing a moldy coffee can splattered with gopher blood. The artist’s use of neo-surrealist overtones in the coffee ground stains are eruditely characterized by an effete use of tangential orphism. Yes, yes. Pass the caviar, good man.” Think… Oregon.

Fox News, if it paused from its Aruba coverage long enough to touch on it, would do the same story in fifteen seconds, but it would have its own theme song, sound effect, and Alarming Graphic: KILLER COFFEE CARNAGE CRISIS.

A word like ‘crisis’ is a necessary part of an effective Alarming Graphic. Trouble in Tasmania! Catastrophe in Colfax! Oopsy-Daisy in Ohio!

Critics also charge that Fox is a bit weighted on the pro-American (therefore, Republican) side. You know, just because they manage fit in a grandiosely waving American Flag in every single graphic they produce (including the one for the story on the French Revolution) Just because Geraldo happens to wear underwear sown from the Original Star-Spangled banner. Just because that dreamy American Sean Hannity is so much studlier than namby-pamby Alan Colmes. And just because they label AmericaUS’ on their maps, and the rest of countries ‘THEM,’

The most infuriating part for many, however, is that Fox is owned by an incredibly wealthy man named Rupert Murdoch.

Is that a villainous name or what? ‘Rupert’ sounds like the name of a 19th Century Robber Baron who would bet his workers’ limbs in games of Poker. And the he’d peer through a Monocle.

And Murdoch sounds like a name you’d find in one of those novels with an airbrushed Night Elf slaying a Dragon on the cover. “The Dark Lord Murdoch sinisterly brought the soul of the slain water nymph, Te’Dturner, to his blackened lips, refueling his twisted undead powers,”

Worst of all, he owns most of the media, including Fox news, the New York Post,, the Springfield Shopper, and even the Whitworthia---