Friday, September 23, 2005

Potty Talk: Flags and Sweatshirts

Flagging Interest:

Mac has their garish, assembly-line, 70’s nostalgia Flag. BJ has their Magic-marker smeared-on-an-old-torn-bedsheet-Flag. And yet Warren doesn’t have a single

solitary scrap of cloth to burn in effigy.

(Because remember, angrily burning things is the highest form of patriotism!)

I would love for Warren to have a flag as well, but quite tragically, when it comes to needlework, I’m only sew-sew. (I got a “D” in Life Skills in Junior High, but that was probably because I used my Flour Baby in some banana bread.)

So I’m asking for your help. I’ll pay anyone five dollars, plus material costs, for helping me make up a Warren flag. (Talk to me before going out and buying materials.) I’m thinking dark blue, with the Warren Symbol in white. Or maybe a Snake through a tire with a sword. Or maybe a whole bunch of dots that when you stare at them long enough, make you incredibly angry that you don’t have the depth perception to do Magic Eyes. Or maybe it could say “Arend” on it, just to throw everyone off.

Let’s show probably fictional historical character Betsy Ross that she has nothing on Warren Hall!

Out with the old, in with the new shirt:

I’m afraid I have some bad news guys. You know those T-shirts that everyone bought? They have a fatal flaw.

Apparently, while they are perfectly delightful for use in the summer months, as the days grow shorter, they grow less and effective. Eventually, wearing only the T-shirt becomes rather painful, as the thin material and lack of sleeves exposes one to the elements, to hypothermia, to frostbites, and to the teeth of hungry snow wolves.

Then, laying awake in the shower one night, a divine epiphany hit me: If only we could make T-shirts out of a thicker material… with sleeves! We could call it… a SWEATSHIRT! I’m a genius, I tell you! This is why they pay me the big bucks ($7.35 an hour)

However, this time, I’m soliciting designs from you. Since my greatest artistic creation is still “Stikman flieing a airplaen” when I was five (it still hangs on my refrigerator) I need you to send in your own creative designs. Since sweatshirts are more expensive (about $30,) I’m looking for a simple black and white design. E-mail it to me at Or just hand it to me when I’m serving Pizza at Saga on Sundays.

We’ll probably have you guys vote on it after I arbitrarily throw out all the choices I don’t like. (It’s like Iranian Democracy!) Last year, we all voted to have a giant white amorphous blob on the back of our shirt. With sparkly silver glitter writing!

Maybe, just maybe, this year’s will be even better.