Friday, September 23, 2005

The Outpost: Oregon Trailing

My Fellow Warrenites,

It is with sad and heavy heart that I write to you this day. Last week I stumbled upon a small, yellow packet in a stack of papers on my desk. The contents of the packet are why I am writing you, for you know not the trouble you are all in. For reasons of personal safety, I have elected not to divulge my name, and so you may call me "Deep Appendix." Not only have I discovered the secret identity of Sancho the Bullrider, I have some facts about him that are undeniable...and shocking. Sancho the Bullrider is from...gasp...OREGON!!! If that is not enough to discredit a man, I don't know what is. This Oregonian dressed his lies in sweet honey and somehow found his way into leadership last year as a dorm rep under the alias "Benjamin Thomas Works." Don't feel bad...I, too, was taken in by his smooth talking, long hair, and striking figure. But now, upon investigation, I have found that his only motivation for being a dorm rep was to bite the innocent constituents and infect them with the Oregon disease we all know and fear! My advice is this: avoid the full moon, carry a baseball bat, lace his cookies with hydrochloric acid, and stay away from the smell of Oregonian pot . As for me, I am off to sharpen my wooden stake.

-Deep Appendix