How to Not Succeed in Business While Really Trying

Work. I don’t think I’m cut out for it.

It isn’t that I hate work, or can’t handle it. It’s just that whatever I try to do always seems to escalate into a Wacky Series of Escalating Mistakes, that we may Laugh About Later, but might lose A Lot of Business, Money, and Respect in the World, right now.

Here are some of the reasons I’m beginning to suspect that I may not win the Most Valuablest Employee of the Month award anytime soon. These, generally, are true:

1) Employees who’ve been there a month tell employees who’ve been there a week that “It’s okay. He’s new.” Even though I’ve been working there for three months. I guess I just give off that naïve, wide-eyed, new guy aura. I’ll be at my retirement party, spill the punch, and somebody will say, “Don’t mind him. He’s new here.” And nobody will notice!

2) The glares I get from the fellow coworkers are beginning to seem more weary than angry. As if their glares of malice have withered into mere glares of resignation.

3) When I tell those around me that I’ll be leaving in a few weeks, it’s hard to tell if they are *upset*, *saddened,* or merely *chagrined,*- what with their smiles and jumping and heel-clicking.

4) All my pre-packaged phrases and repetitive clichés are beginning to run together into one sloppy, mess of incoherence. “Thank you for hello of the smiling enjoy server right this way balloon crayon one moment burger, please,” I’ll say with a chipper smile naively plastered on my face. It won’t be long before somebody is heading to the bathroom and I say, “Enjoy your food.”

5) Sometimes I say things that I regret later. For example, a nice woman and her child walked into our fine dining establishment. Her child had short hair and a green tanktop. The child looked like a girl, so I said, “Will you want a kid’s menu for her?”

Suddenly, my eyes widened in fear. What if… what if the child was actually a boy. I mean, the kid had short hair and a baseball cap and everything. Then his entire gender identity could be scarred for the rest of his life by my callous ignorant remark! I had to say something. So I came up with the best recovery in the history of Red Robin…

“I mean…” I stuttered, “He or She…”

“It’s a she,” the mother said.

So. While I had had a 50-50 chance if I had just shut up, I completely blew it by saying essentially, “I have no idea if your child is a boy or a girl. He or she could be completely androgynous, like a Sea Sponge or C3P0, for all I know.

6) I don’t seem to be given very… pivotal… responsibilities. When the manager is giving jobs for the hosts to do, he says something like, “Johnson! I want you recalibrating the Silverware Distribution Line, honing it to maximum efficiency! Chavez! I want you to call into Corporate and reorder 12 stock in items 56-32a and 3 stock in 74-23. Pyle! I want you to set up three 12-top tables in sectors 5 and 2, aligning them in a way to not offend the religious sensibilities of Muslims, feng shui advocates, and scientologists! Patton! You’re on command duty, you’re in control of who gets sat where. You have great power, but great responsibility, got it! I don’t want a four-top sat at a two top, or a three top sat at a seven top, you got that! And Daniel… uh… I guess you can open the door for people and say “hi” to them and stuff. Do you think you can handle that? Because if it’s too tough I can have you just stand over there instead… Out of everyone’s way…”


I think my major problem is two-fold. First, I can’t do anything right. That contributes heavily to my failure rate, as you can imagine.

Secondly, I’m too… nuanced.

Most people decide where to seat people via the George Bush Method. They squint at the seating map for a second, grit their teeth, look up and say, “Eh… we’ll seat ‘em at 32.”

“Uh… why… table 32?” I ask.

“I just have maself a good feelin’ ‘bout it,” they say. And then they stick with it.

I decide where to seat people via the John Kerry method. “Well… I guess in this case it is possible to consider seating at 71, but on the other hand, 71 is too close to the child at 72. But if we seat at 70, they’ll be too close to the sidestation, most likely. 60’s too cold, 66 is too close the fire exit, and 44 too close to the kitchen. I suppose 52 is a possibility, but we just sat in that server’s section three minutes ago. But the server at 54 isn’t experienced enough to take more than three tables and we could consider taking them to 13, but they’re probably a bit too large for that table. Table 41, on the other hand, is too large for them. Table 12 keeps wanting refills on their steakfries, so *of course* we can’t sit them at table 22. Naturally. And besides, table 10 won’t work with a highchair, and table 24 won’t work with a booster seat. The light streaming through to table 73 is a bit blinding, and the music is too loud at table 50. They aren’t old enough to sit at the bar, and it’s too hot to consider seating on the patio. 32’s in the center, so they won’t like that….”

By this time, the customer has either left or has faded away into a crumbling skeleton covered in dusty cobwebs.

But hey, with no customers, we can save *thousands* in labor costs, by letting go some of our workers.

But who to start with first?

The Possibly Offensive Guide to the United Kingdom

-The UK is named for the sound you make when you bite into their food: Uck!

-It is also called the “United Kingdom,” from how Ireland, Scotland, and Wales are united against England.

-Britain’s primary source of income comes from the Tooth Fairy. Poor, poor, overworked tooth fairy.

-Actually, many Britons are sensitive about jokes about their teeth, and will bite you with their gums if you tell one.

-Britain’s Queen is only a figurehead- the actual country is ruled by Soccer Mobs.

-The Queen has the power to bestow knighthood, the highest honor, to heroes of the realm. Some say that the standards for knighting have grown a bit lax, with the honor being given to Paul McCartney, Judi Dench, Elton John, Bill Gates, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, the Pillsbury Doughboy, and both Wallace and Gromit.

-One of the most famous Britons was Princess Diana, or as she was nicknamed in a artfully-done bit of foreshadowing, Princess “Di.”

-English Press Law dictates that no newspaper can have a headline mentioning ‘Prince Albert’ without the word ‘Can’ somewhere else in the headline.

-In a victory for feminists everywhere, England elected Margaret Thatcher, the first harpy shrew Prime Minister.

-Britain can claim the honor of having one of the Biggest Bens in the world.

-British scientists have discovered how to synthetically inject the letter ‘u’ into words that normally lack them, creating mutant variants such as “honour” “armour” and “colour.” Efforts to put an “i" in the word “team” have thus far proved unsuccessful.

-A few months ago, French Leader Jacques Chirac got in trouble for mocking British food. Stereotyping other cultures… how typical of those smelly, rude, hypocritical French.

-Some British guards will not move no matter what you do. Think of them as like Whitworth Security with funny hats.

-In Britain, a cigarette is called a “Censored Due to Political Correctness”

-Britain’s flag is totally ripped off from the design in the corner of Australia’s flag. Idea-Stealers!

-In Britain the common response to an offense is a polite smile, a “That’s quite all right, good chap!” and a hearty handshake, just to make sure you are parting on good terms. In America, we usually replace those with, a middle finger, a “the f-word” and a hearty gunshot wound, just to make sure that you are parting with at least one of you dead. Hey, to each his own.

-Britain is covered by thousands of closed-circuit surveillance cameras. They hope to watch the populace of Britain constantly, night and day, until they have a blooper funny enough to go on America’s Funniest Home Videos. The Brits love Bob Saget as much as the French love Jerry Lewis.

-Most British police, or “bobbies and bobettes” as their called, don’t carry guns. Instead of the American system of police brutality, therefore, they have to use a little something called “asking nicely.” It works well enough in Britain.

-Britian has a long and storied history of people with Roman Numerals fighting pointless wars. These include the hundred year war (Which lasted only 93 years, but they use the metric system), the Battle of Hastings (started over an overdue video rental), the Battle of Bouvines (Which they completely and udderly lost. Teehee), the War of the Roses, the Invasion of the Geraniums, the Chrysanthemum Coup, the disappointingly Bloodless Revolution, the British Invasion, the War of Jenkins Ear, the Conflict of Nigel’s Toe, the Massacre of Alfred’s Liver (that was in Ireland), the very aptly named Boer War, and a little something called the “American War for Independence.”

-Remember, in Britain you drive on the left side of the road. I keep trying to convince America to do this by leading by example, but judging from their hand gestures, their not yet convinced.

-Britain has double decker busses. Now with TWICE as much decker.

-If you’re ever injured in Britain, remember, they have socialized health care! Simply fill out Injury Treatment Request forms G-632 and 7S-17 in triplicate, then send the pink copy to the Committee on Provisional Medical Resources Allocation, and the yellow copy to the Ministry of Health and Human Services. Allow for four to six weeks, for the Secretary of Issues Concerning Lacerations and Abrasions to forward it to the Deputy Undersecretary of Pharmaceutical Affairs, who has delegated the reading to three underlings and a shredder machine. If there’s room on the schedule (pronounced shchedule), and if your case meets the requirements outlined in Obligatory Manner for Fulfilling Medical Requisitions (Fifth Edition) and if the Angels win the pennant, then you have a moderately good chance of receiving medical attention in the next few months. And that’s if you need CPR.

-The British can’t afford television like the Americans, so they buy a “telly”- a cheap, shabby knockoff- instead.

-Tellies carry four channels, all of them named BBC. The first three have shows with British housewives yelling in shrill, high-pitched, cockney accents. The last one has Antiques Roadshow.

-The best shows on British Television- and quite possibly ever- are Thomas the Tank Engine and Postman Pat. Their controversial, no-holds barred, in-depth, thought-provoking storylines challenge the status quo, while refusing to sacrifice character development, witty dialogue, or whimsical set-design to meet their ripped-from-the-headlines standards. At least that’s what I remember from when I visited Britain when I was four.

-If a Brit is ever rude to you, remind them, “Hey! America saved your butt in the War of 1812!”

-The British developed the game “Cricket” after an epic twenty-year search to find a game more nonsensical than baseball.

-Cricket is named after the sounds that you get if you ask if any American wants to play it.

-Mind the Gap! For the love of all that is holy, Mind the Gap!

-Parliament is composed of two groups, the House of Lords, a snobby elite group of unelected patricians who’ve never been beaten, and the House of Commons, a ragtag group of democratically elected average Joe’s (or Average Nigel’s in the this case) who may not have a lot of talent or skill, but have a drive to achieve and a hard-as-nails coach who will teach them to put their differences behind them, play as a team, and have fun while doing it. At the end of the term, the House of Lords and the House of Commons will face eachother in a climactic legislative session dubbed the “Blimey Bowl.” Who will win? Does the House of Commons even have a chance, now that they have a girl on their team!!!?

-Never look directly into Tony Blair’s smile. You’ll go blind.

-Though Britain has an “England” they do not speak English. Instead they say things like, “I flipped open my boot on my lorry near the lift in my flat and it bloody well hit me in the Fish and Chips. Blimey! Now, that’s a sticky wicket, Jack’s a donut, yes he is, ol’ chap.”

-Some Brits speak with a cockney accent when they are too poor to afford the letter “H.”

Remember, Britain uses the metric or “stupid” system of measurement. Here are some handy conversions:
Length: 100 decapedes = 1 millipede.
Weight: 1000 kilograms = 1 American. Or 1000 grams = 1 candygram.
Area: 100 Carloses = 1 Hectare.
Hyperbole: 1000 zillions= 1 bajagillion.
Cooking: 1 smidgen= 4 skohtches.

Scotland

-Scotland was the host of this year’s G8 conference, where the eight richest countries gather together to discuss policy, combat poverty, gossip about the nations who weren’t invited, and paint each other’s nails.

-Scotland is known for it’s dreary rainy climate and its fish and chip stands. With just a couple thousand more homeless people, it could pass for Seattle.

-The Scottish Highland games celebrates with a number of traditional Scottish Activities: Caber Tossing, he Hammer Throw, Log Rolling, “R” rolling, Kilt Weaving, Haggis eating, and Mooning the British.

-Scotland highly values masculinity, is very cold and windy, and so naturally, they wear kilts.

-When a group of Scottish teens are feeling wild and rambunctious, they’ll engage in Scotland’s favorite pastime: Sheep herding.

-Scotland was also the country that invented Golf, in an unsuccessful effort to match the scintillating excitement of Sheep herding.

-Scotland is home to roaming herds of Wooly Cows. Their looks are reminiscent of a cross between the Wooly Mammoth and the Wooly Bully.

-The Scottish flag consists of a blue X. It’s there way of making the flag really really easy for elementary students to draw. Mexico could learn a thing or two from them. Libya, however, is the master.

The popular Scottish dish, Haggis, is made of a sheep’s liver, lungs, and heart, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, and salt. This lovely concoction is cooked inside a sheep stomach and served on fine china with parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Of course, the SAGA version of this food is not quite as tasty, and uses lower grade organs.

Ireland

-Catholics and Protestants in Ireland like to blow each other up in a contest to see which group can follow Jesus’s example better.

-Ireland’s patron saint is St. Patrick, who achieved sainthood when he created the 4th lucky charm marshmallow- lucky’s hat.

-Some people think that he drove all the snakes out of Ireland, but that’s a myth. It was actually Bono and U2, that did that, through the power of Rock and Roll.

-Ireland celebrates St. Patrick’s day by drinking. As they do with St. Valentine’s Day, St. Luciuses Day, St. Thomas More’s Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day, Poultry Awareness Week, anytime anybody anywhere has a birthday, and 3 out of 4 lunar phases.

-“Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an Irish takes a drink!”

-On St. Patrick’s day, many Irish dye their local river’s green, the color of the Thames the rest of the year.

-Some dye the streets green as well- with chunky speckles of brown- but that’s not entirely intentional.

-St. Patrick’s day is followed by St. Aspirin’s day- the patron saint of staying in bed with a headache.

-The traditional respectful Irish greeting is to say, “I’m a wee littl’ Irishman!” and jump into the air, clicking your heels. “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya,” works as well.

-Nortre Dame’s mascot is the “Fighting Irish” because the “Redundant Redundancies” didn’t get approved by the board of trustees.

-Irishmen are often stereotyped as being rather fiesty, with a short temper. If an Irishmen ever hears you saying that however, he’ll smash you over a head with a beer bottle, grab your hair and slam your head into the table, kick you in the gut, claw out your eyes, before shoving his arm through your chest, ripping out your still-pumping heart, throwing it to the ground, and pounding it to a pulp with his foot. And that’s while he’s sober.

-Millions of Irish Refugees fled to America during the Potato Blight. They didn’t run out of potatoes, they were just really really tired of eating them. But their mothers said, “No going to America until you finish your potatoes.” When their mothers’ backs were turned, however, they surreptitiously slipped them under the table to their dogs, and off they went.

-The Irish flag is Green, symbolizing Catholicism, Orange, symbolizing Protestantism, and White, symbolizing the one thing that all Irish have in common.

-Ireland is home to over 40,000 leprechauns. Evolutionists maintain that Leprechauns are related to the fairy, the hobbit, the Danny DeVito, and that ubiquitous creature that roamed the Jurassic plains: the mighty Oompa Loompa.

-If you catch a leprechaun you can get him to tell you where he buried either his pot of gold, or the body of the last person who caught him.

-Sometimes a Leprechaun will give you three wishes, as long as you don’t wish for more wishes, true love, or a Klondike Bar.

-Invariably, anything you wish for will come with a catch. For example, if you wish for a Pony, you’ll get it *BUT* the earth will crash into the sun. You’ve just got to take the good with the bad.

Wales:

-Wales is probably most famous for when Daniel Walters did a report on the country in third grade and built a diorama of a castle with LEGOs.

-The Encyclopedia Britannica says that Wales can grow to over 180 tons, can eat and drink an enormous amount, and…

-Whoops! That’s not the entry for WALES, that’s the entry for Ted Kennedy.

-In what is quite possibly the coolest flag to ever grace a flagpole, the Welsh Flag consists of a dragon doing the “Oh, no you di’int, girlfriend” hand gesture.