Walters World Factbook Guide to: Romania
It's that time of year when many people, tired of living in the bliss of modernity, to visit a third-world country, experience its culture, and get horribly ill. Last year, one of my friends went to a little known country called, "Romania" to be a missionary there. I decided it would be helpful to research a few travel tips to make the Romanian trip more entertaining. I've deleted the tips that would make absolutely no sense to you, since you don't KNOW ME
-Start the trip off with a BANG! But not on the plane. You might make Airport Security nervous.
-Make a lighthearted comment as you pass through airport security, like “Whoops! Forgot my bomb!” Everyone will have a good belly laugh. Hopefully the handcuffs won’t chafe too much.
-You’ll take a 757 to Minneapolis, a 747 to Paris, a Cessna to Kazakhstan, and then finally a Yak with paper-maché wings to Bucharest, Romania. Try to sit lightly.
-No trip to Romania is complete without seeing the Parthenon and the Coliseum.
-In a fight knock down, drag out, cage match between Romania and Poland, Poland would win. That’s how third-world Romania is.
-Romania is known to be teaming with flagrant Vampires. In fact, the Romanian legislature just passed a controversial law that allows vampires to marry.
-Vampires can be identified by their black cloaks, their stark white faces, their sharp, pointy, teeth, and the fact that their favorite beverage of choice is Blood. (Or Blood Lite for weight-conscious vampires). Of course, this is also the description of the average Metallica fan.
-Try not to get confused, because the Metallica fans are far more dangerous. Just remember: one makes your neck bleed, the other makes your ears bleed.
-Even more dangerous than Vampires themselves, is the dreaded Vampire Guano.
-If you wake up with a small bite mark on your neck, turn into a bat, or when exposed to sunlight start getting burnt really easily instead of tanning, seek medical attention immediately.
-So be prepared. At all times carry a silver stake, a couple Crucifixes, Garlic and Off Spray.
-Romania is a former Communist Bloc country. Or as they say in Britain, a former Communist Bloke country
-Take care not to remind them of their communist past. For example: Never offer to share anything.
-Romania is strictly BYOTP (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper)
-Make sure you exchange your American Currency (Dollars) for Romanian currency (Mud)
-Tell everyone you’ve come down with a case of roMANIA! They’ll appreciate your enthusiasm.
-If you are offered an interpreter, say thanks, but no thanks. You already know a year of Spanish.
-If you are building a church, I suggest drawing from Baroque or Gothic Architecture, possibly with a subtle hint of Frank Lloyd Wright and Post-modernist influence. ‘Four walls and a roof’ is nice too.
-You might want to bring some music CDs. Romania only gets rap and country stations.
-No trip to Romania is complete without stopping at the most popular clothing store in Bucharest: American Eagle.
-While you’re there you should catch a movie at the cinema. Romania finally gets “The Wizard of Oz” next week. In Technicolor!
-Watch out for bloody coups!
-The prime minister of Romania is Adrian Nastase… wait… correction. It’s Corneliu Vadim Tudor… this just in, now it’s Ivan Snetzylofkinitzkinova… I’m sorry, there’s been a sudden change, make that Chekov Slovokya… Your results may vary.
-Romania is known as an ‘unstable country’. Don’t make any sudden moves.
-The Romanian flag is composed of three vertical stripes, each with a different color. Way to be creative, Romania.
-Romania is about the same size as Oregon, but with less salt-water taffy.
-Make sure you know Romania’s national anthem- ‘Baby got Back’
-The people of Romania are hungry, but their plight is nothing compared to their neighbor to the NorthEast.
-Due to its very high humidity, Romania leads the world in the Exportation of Sweat.
-Conveniently, if you ever get lost in Romania, you can just follow the scent right back to a place of population.
-Romanian’s Waste Treatment system isn’t quite as advanced as ours. Also, Romania borders the ‘Black Sea’. Not sure if these two things are related…
- Hundreds of nuclear weapons were lost in the collapse of the Soviet Union. So be careful when cooking.
-Unlike the Dominican Republic, drinking the water doesn’t give you Montezuma’s Revenge. It does, however, turn you into a Frog.
-Make sure to send your friends lots of postcards that will arrive two or three months after you get home.
-Start the trip off with a BANG! But not on the plane. You might make Airport Security nervous.
-Make a lighthearted comment as you pass through airport security, like “Whoops! Forgot my bomb!” Everyone will have a good belly laugh. Hopefully the handcuffs won’t chafe too much.
-You’ll take a 757 to Minneapolis, a 747 to Paris, a Cessna to Kazakhstan, and then finally a Yak with paper-maché wings to Bucharest, Romania. Try to sit lightly.
-No trip to Romania is complete without seeing the Parthenon and the Coliseum.
-In a fight knock down, drag out, cage match between Romania and Poland, Poland would win. That’s how third-world Romania is.
-Romania is known to be teaming with flagrant Vampires. In fact, the Romanian legislature just passed a controversial law that allows vampires to marry.
-Vampires can be identified by their black cloaks, their stark white faces, their sharp, pointy, teeth, and the fact that their favorite beverage of choice is Blood. (Or Blood Lite for weight-conscious vampires). Of course, this is also the description of the average Metallica fan.
-Try not to get confused, because the Metallica fans are far more dangerous. Just remember: one makes your neck bleed, the other makes your ears bleed.
-Even more dangerous than Vampires themselves, is the dreaded Vampire Guano.
-If you wake up with a small bite mark on your neck, turn into a bat, or when exposed to sunlight start getting burnt really easily instead of tanning, seek medical attention immediately.
-So be prepared. At all times carry a silver stake, a couple Crucifixes, Garlic and Off Spray.
-Romania is a former Communist Bloc country. Or as they say in Britain, a former Communist Bloke country
-Take care not to remind them of their communist past. For example: Never offer to share anything.
-Romania is strictly BYOTP (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper)
-Make sure you exchange your American Currency (Dollars) for Romanian currency (Mud)
-Tell everyone you’ve come down with a case of roMANIA! They’ll appreciate your enthusiasm.
-If you are offered an interpreter, say thanks, but no thanks. You already know a year of Spanish.
-If you are building a church, I suggest drawing from Baroque or Gothic Architecture, possibly with a subtle hint of Frank Lloyd Wright and Post-modernist influence. ‘Four walls and a roof’ is nice too.
-You might want to bring some music CDs. Romania only gets rap and country stations.
-No trip to Romania is complete without stopping at the most popular clothing store in Bucharest: American Eagle.
-While you’re there you should catch a movie at the cinema. Romania finally gets “The Wizard of Oz” next week. In Technicolor!
-Watch out for bloody coups!
-The prime minister of Romania is Adrian Nastase… wait… correction. It’s Corneliu Vadim Tudor… this just in, now it’s Ivan Snetzylofkinitzkinova… I’m sorry, there’s been a sudden change, make that Chekov Slovokya… Your results may vary.
-Romania is known as an ‘unstable country’. Don’t make any sudden moves.
-The Romanian flag is composed of three vertical stripes, each with a different color. Way to be creative, Romania.
-Romania is about the same size as Oregon, but with less salt-water taffy.
-Make sure you know Romania’s national anthem- ‘Baby got Back’
-The people of Romania are hungry, but their plight is nothing compared to their neighbor to the NorthEast.
-Due to its very high humidity, Romania leads the world in the Exportation of Sweat.
-Conveniently, if you ever get lost in Romania, you can just follow the scent right back to a place of population.
-Romanian’s Waste Treatment system isn’t quite as advanced as ours. Also, Romania borders the ‘Black Sea’. Not sure if these two things are related…
- Hundreds of nuclear weapons were lost in the collapse of the Soviet Union. So be careful when cooking.
-Unlike the Dominican Republic, drinking the water doesn’t give you Montezuma’s Revenge. It does, however, turn you into a Frog.
-Make sure to send your friends lots of postcards that will arrive two or three months after you get home.
-Daniel Walters at 1:32 PM
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