First Crapper of the Year

Evan Cate of McMillan hall is doing the whole blog thing, too.

Here's the posted the text of his newsletter online.

Click on it, and the Stall Street and The Crapper can fight!

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily representative of Warren, Whitworth, or Walters.
Your results may vary.

Whitworth Spotlight: Homecoming

Homecoming: Sorry to bring up a painful memory, but you know how you never got asked to Homecoming in High School? Or you know how the girl that you did ask ended up say that gee, she’d really love to but she was already really hoping to go to the dance all by herself? And how “all by herself” turned out to be a fairly muscular senior named Chad?”

Well now’s you last chance to fulfill that dream of yours!

With a one to three guy-girl ratio you’ll have… lemme see… carry the one… a far better chance than in high school.

And let’s say that Chad came to Whitworth along with you. That’s okay, you don’t even have to have a date! Go by yourself or go with a cardboard cutout of Carrie Fisher!

Or, if you are a guy like Chad, you can go with two dates at the same time, planning on neither one of them finding out. You may continually excuse yourself to the restroom to find the other date but eventually, the tangled web of lies will unravel through a series of Wacky Hijinks, Comic Situations, and Snappy One Liners! Everybody wins! We may even learn a valuable lesson pithily summed up at the end of the half hour.

The Dance: The dance itself will have the theme, “Party like a Rockstar.” Feel free to dress us as your favorite Rockstar. But none of this modern day, namby-pamby, angsty pop music crap. Back in my day, we had real Rockstars, Rockstars who would bite the heads of bats, swing guitars around their head and then accidentally burn down the nightclub in their fiery pyrotechnic display.

Tickets will be $20, 5 of which goes to the Red Cross to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

The Election: Of course, an event like Homecoming could never be possible without the election of Homecoming Royalty. Each Dorm will choose a nominee for Queen and a King. They will gorge themselves in a victory feast (Pizza eating contest, Quall Hall, Sept. 14th) Then they will then dance to the death on the field of battle. (Sept. 15. Quall Hall)

Now some say that the election of Homecoming Royalty is just a popularity contest, whereas in actuality it’s… well… yeah… it’s just a popularity contest. But it’s a FUN popularity contest.

The Hall Decorating: Ever since the Stone Age, man has attempted to show his dominance over fellow man through the ancient ritual of Interior Decorating. That’s what Cave Paintings were, ancient dorm decorating contests to celebrate the upcoming Feast of the Saber Tooth. The Cro-Magnon’s, by the way, beat the Neanderthals in both the categories of Creativity and Use of

Mastodon Blood. Hall Decorating will be Thursday, September 15th. Each dorm will decide a Party or Rock Music based decorating scheme, such as “Pink Floyd’s Hallucinations” or “A Hotel Room Trashed by the Who.”

Because remember, Whitworth, you’re not hardcore… unless you live hardcore.

Whitworth Limerick

There once was a meal at SAGA.
Served at Whitworth and Gonzaga.
The food on the plate’s
From Washington State,
But the bacteria’s from Nicaragua

Typos discovered in Last Week’s Stall Street:

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Rejected Homecoming Themes

-“Homecoming: The College Years”

-“Enchantment under the Sea.”

-“Disillusionment under the Stars.”

-“Nuclear War on the Dance Floor”

-“Party like a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male

Raised By A Conservative Christian Family”

-“Homecoming: Destroy all Monsters”

-”Party like it’s 2005”

-“A Magical Night of No Freak Dancing”

-“An Obscure French Word Meaning ‘Mask,’ But Which is Advertised

Puzzlingly by an Image of Part of a Scantily Clad Woman.”

-“Party, Experiment with Drugs, and then Sink into a

Crushing Depression like a Rock Star”

-Party like it’s your Party and you Can Cry If You Want To”

-“Stewart Lawn Dance II: This time, it’s Homecoming!”

-“Party like a Neo-Classical Jazz Composer.”

“”You don’t have to bring a Date if You Don’t Want to”

“An Evening Under the Watchful Eyes of Security”

“Insert Popular Song Title Here”

Warren Wizz Dumb: Week II

Always look on the bright side of life,
but not for too long or you could go blind.

ASWCD!

“Dorm Vibes” I brought up:

-Success of Traditiation
-Great to see no Grass Signs
-Fee for holes.

-(Housing comes in to ASWC next week to discuss )

-Wireless in dorms.

-(Rep from Tech department will come in next week to discuss)

Topics discussed

Art Coordinator Position?

-No censoring art.

-Pricing, insurance, artistic concerns.

-Committee created to discuss condition.

-BJ During Mock Rock

-Problems of Mac/BJ rivalry.

-First Half-Past 9:00: Sept. 26.

-Will have Volleyball Net to use for dorms.

-Intramural Due Dates: Ref. Apps: 10^th. Frisbee: 11^th. Soccer, Volleyball, Basketball: 14^th

-Yearbook will be full color, bigger, same price (buy at Info Desk for $40)

-Sept. 11th: Prayer at the Campanile at 1:00.

E-mail me to come the next ASWC meeting (9/14) and get free Café food!

Special deals Whitworth Students receive:

Del Taco: Three Hard or soft taco’s for 99

Fat Daddy’s: Large 1-topping pizza delivered to campus: $7.99

Pizza Hut: Large 1-topping pizza for dine in or carry out: $8.99

Bruchi’s:: 10% off subs.

Quizno’s: 20% off anything.

Pleasant Blends: 10% off beverages

Twig’s Bistro: Happy Hour prices all day.

The Crystal Ball: Predicting Whitworth's Future

Friday the 9th:

8:00 pm: Stewart Lawn Dance

Saturday the 10th

8:00 pm: Bingo!

Monday the 12th

Fall Job internship fair.

Tuesday the 13th

Last day to add to drop//add classes without fee

Frisbee Kick Off Game: “Battle for Power”

Wednesday the 14th

6:00 pm: Auditions for Our Town.

7:00 am Constitution day program

Thursday the 15th

Homecoming DJ plays music during lunch.

Smoothie Mix and Mingle

7:00 pm: Stem Cell Science Lecture.

Friday the 16th

Homecoming Weekend begins.

5:00 pm: SENIOR PIZZA NIGHT @ FAT DADDY’S

Saturday the 17th

3:00: Rock climbing Trip ($5.00)

11:30 am: Whitworth Family Picnic.

9:00 pm: Homecoming Dance ($20.00)

Dressing up as stuff days:

Monday: Pajama Day
Tuesday: Mismatch Day
Wednesday: Blast from the Past Day.
Thursday: Sports
Friday: Pirate Day
Saturday: FOOTBALL!

Sports Trivia

Football: In 1968, one of the best comeback endings in Football history was cut off by NBC to show the movie Heidi. Fortunately, the hearts of America were so warmed by the good-natured tale of a girl, her grandfather, and her goat, that nobody cared.

The Best Dorm Sports Show: Week II

By Colin "Rock like El Nino" Storm.

The Outpost: By Ruth Bumgarner

I would just like to give a little shout-out to my girl, Kim Henderson. Yeah, that's right....maroon tie with white seagulls girl. The bravest, baddest blonde to have ever been publicly wooed in 2nd East's history. Thank you, Warren men, for your outstanding performance at the yell-off. Just remember, my hall is full of more undiscovered beauties so don't forget to stop by and drop a tune once in a while! Go 2nd East!!

Ruth Bumgarner is an RA in Second East. She is the author of “An Essay on C.S. Lewis for Core” and “The Bible”

Unworthian Headline: Week II

LOCAL

Ark of the Covenant found behind old carpets in Warren Storage.

Six priests have difficulty moving the scratched-up holy relic past plywood dressers and moldy plaid couches.

Shattering Stereotype, BJ boys a perfect
example of tact and poised courtesy at Mock Rock.

Just kidding.

Like Berlin Wall before it, Keep Off Grass Signs finally torn down.

News greeted by cheering, weeping, dancing, playing Frisbee football.

Entertainment

Kanye West and Jay-Z to mix together “Jesus Walks” and “Big Pimpin’”

Can’t decide whether to call album “ironee” or “hip-ocrizzy”

National

Bush narrows down Rehnquist replacement to judges Judy, Dredd,
and Bob the Builder.
Conservatives worry that Bob might be a “Loose Constructionist.”

Potty Talk: Counting on Accountability

Warrenians:

By now the frenzied Mardi Gras adrenaline-riddled atmosphere of Traditiation and Moving In has given way to a less cheerful creeping

realization: You actually have to do work.

You’d think, that for a thirty thousand dollar tuition, they could figure out how to give us an education, diploma and degree without forcing us to learn stuff.

College is one of those few places where you pay them to allow you to do work. The other is the NorthPark fitness center, which tried to kill a friend of mine last year.

Fortunately, there’s still a veritable bevy entertaining

entertainment planned to entertain you with. For example, this week the Homecoming dance (see page 3)

But to awkwardly transition to the main point of this article:

As your Senator, I need your help. I have a favor to ask you. One that doesn’t involve buying t-shirts. (Although, you know, if you want to still buy a T-shirt, that’s cool and everything. I mean, I really wouldn’t mind.)

You know what you want from me as a Senator. You know what I promised you during my campaign:

That I would spread your ideas throughout Whitworth, fight for a better

college year, inform you of events, write entertaining newsletters, adhere to strict financial responsibility, and have a Giant Monkey climb the Campanile to protest Frisbee restrictions.

There may be times that I screw up. I’m expecting that. The difficulty is, is sometimes I screw up and don’t know it.

That’s where you guys come in. I want you to hold me accountable to my promises.

I’m fully expecting to be jerked out of bed one night by five men in ski masks, bound and gagged, driven to a dark warehouse, hit with a tire iron a couple times and then pressed up against the brick wall as the apparent leader of the thugs hisses, “Walters! Your Stall Street’s have been uninspired as of lately, and resort to tacky gimmicks instead of incisive analysis and finely honed humor! That makes me and da boys upset. Capiche?”

I’ll wake up the next day with new

vision, energy, and bruises!

So, let me know if I’m doing a bad job. I may cry, but it’s better for Warren in the long run.

Stall Street Slogan: Week 2

Like WALL street journal, but STALL instead. Get it?

Weather-O-Matic: Week Two

So beautiful that you suspect something… somewhere is amiss. As if not everything is as it seems. Be on your guard.