Monday, May 16, 2005

Top Ten Changes to Saga After the Incident At Gonzaga

Red Robin, Red Robin,
Send Daniel a Job’in.

The rumors are true, I have a job. It’s not even a job that’s primary focus is on urinal scrubbing. Instead, it’s at a respectable dining establishment that doesn’t even have a “Mc” in its name: Red Robin. Red Robin respects their customers, prepares quality food, and strives to serve with a smile. In other words, after working at SAGA, its going to be a pretty big culture shock.

Here’s a top ten list I wrote mid-year, after 150 students were poisoned because of a student working at the Sodexho-Mariott at Gonzaga- the same company that owns the food service (SAGA) at Whitworth- where I worked. Fortunately, SAGA was a flexible company and willing to make changes.

(Disclaimer: This is Satire. Not necessarily funny, poignant, or remarkable, but Satire nonetheless. Don’t fire me, SAGA. I love you.)

10. Workers are now required to brush their teeth before spitting into the food.
9. Botulism must now be served before the expiration date.
8. Silverware must now be spit-shined twice.
7. Soiled Greens replaced with Soylent Green.
6. Instead of Imitation Rat, we now serve genuine Rat.
5. Fortune Cookies no longer have the “A stomach pump will play prominently in your future” fortune.
4. Complimentary mints replaced with Complimentary Advils.
3. Workers taught a radical and extreme new hygienic technique: Hand Washing.
2. It’s now the ‘four second’ rule.
1. The International dish, “Montezuma’s Revenge with Dysentery Sauce” will no longer be available.