Friday, September 09, 2005

Whitworth Spotlight: Homecoming

Homecoming: Sorry to bring up a painful memory, but you know how you never got asked to Homecoming in High School? Or you know how the girl that you did ask ended up say that gee, she’d really love to but she was already really hoping to go to the dance all by herself? And how “all by herself” turned out to be a fairly muscular senior named Chad?”

Well now’s you last chance to fulfill that dream of yours!

With a one to three guy-girl ratio you’ll have… lemme see… carry the one… a far better chance than in high school.

And let’s say that Chad came to Whitworth along with you. That’s okay, you don’t even have to have a date! Go by yourself or go with a cardboard cutout of Carrie Fisher!

Or, if you are a guy like Chad, you can go with two dates at the same time, planning on neither one of them finding out. You may continually excuse yourself to the restroom to find the other date but eventually, the tangled web of lies will unravel through a series of Wacky Hijinks, Comic Situations, and Snappy One Liners! Everybody wins! We may even learn a valuable lesson pithily summed up at the end of the half hour.

The Dance: The dance itself will have the theme, “Party like a Rockstar.” Feel free to dress us as your favorite Rockstar. But none of this modern day, namby-pamby, angsty pop music crap. Back in my day, we had real Rockstars, Rockstars who would bite the heads of bats, swing guitars around their head and then accidentally burn down the nightclub in their fiery pyrotechnic display.

Tickets will be $20, 5 of which goes to the Red Cross to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

The Election: Of course, an event like Homecoming could never be possible without the election of Homecoming Royalty. Each Dorm will choose a nominee for Queen and a King. They will gorge themselves in a victory feast (Pizza eating contest, Quall Hall, Sept. 14th) Then they will then dance to the death on the field of battle. (Sept. 15. Quall Hall)

Now some say that the election of Homecoming Royalty is just a popularity contest, whereas in actuality it’s… well… yeah… it’s just a popularity contest. But it’s a FUN popularity contest.

The Hall Decorating: Ever since the Stone Age, man has attempted to show his dominance over fellow man through the ancient ritual of Interior Decorating. That’s what Cave Paintings were, ancient dorm decorating contests to celebrate the upcoming Feast of the Saber Tooth. The Cro-Magnon’s, by the way, beat the Neanderthals in both the categories of Creativity and Use of

Mastodon Blood. Hall Decorating will be Thursday, September 15th. Each dorm will decide a Party or Rock Music based decorating scheme, such as “Pink Floyd’s Hallucinations” or “A Hotel Room Trashed by the Who.”

Because remember, Whitworth, you’re not hardcore… unless you live hardcore.