Unworthian Headline: Week II

LOCAL

Ark of the Covenant found behind old carpets in Warren Storage.

Six priests have difficulty moving the scratched-up holy relic past plywood dressers and moldy plaid couches.

Shattering Stereotype, BJ boys a perfect
example of tact and poised courtesy at Mock Rock.

Just kidding.

Like Berlin Wall before it, Keep Off Grass Signs finally torn down.

News greeted by cheering, weeping, dancing, playing Frisbee football.

Entertainment

Kanye West and Jay-Z to mix together “Jesus Walks” and “Big Pimpin’”

Can’t decide whether to call album “ironee” or “hip-ocrizzy”

National

Bush narrows down Rehnquist replacement to judges Judy, Dredd,
and Bob the Builder.
Conservatives worry that Bob might be a “Loose Constructionist.”