Sunday, September 18, 2005

Potty Talk: Biking and Rep Elections

I like Bike:
This is just a message to all you Warren residents to lock up your bikes: Warren Residents, lock up your bikes.

Remember, we live in a world fraught with peril, seeping with evil, a place where hope is a four-letter word: Spokane, Washington. Never has there been a greater hive of scum and villainy when it comes to stealing bikes. People will not think twice about stealing your shiny pink Huffy just to fund their Grandmother’s medical treatment, food for their starving baby, and maybe a little bit for their crack habit on the side.

And don’t think you can stop them just by putting cards in the spokes or a sticky note that says “Daniel’s Bike! Do not take!”

Wily criminals have schemed up ways to defeat even those clever defenses.

I suggest locking your bike up with a U-lock, removing the tire, looping around
several yards of chains, and placing it in an impenetrable six-inch steel vault at the top of an unassailable forty-foot tower, guarded by a series of elaborate snares- each more cunning and malevolent than the last- and watched over by Argontor, a three-headed hydra that breaths fire, with a gaze that can turn mortals to stone.

If that doesn’t stop them, Whitworth Security surely will.

Dorm Henchman Elections:
Let’s say, theoretically, that I have a cunning scheme, a detailed multilevel plan to ensure Warren’s dominance, their supremacy, their absolute power over all things Whitworth… forrrreeevvveerrr…

And let’s say that I can’t accomplish this theoretical little plan without a lil’ help from my friends.

The Quest to make Warren Awesome cannot be accomplished by the strength of one man alone. Especially one who can barely bench a Tootsie Pop.

No, it will take 3 men (5 women) to be able to accomplish a task of such vision and grandeur.

Remember to vote for your dorm reps on Wednesday the 20th (primary) and Thursday the 21st (final election.)

And for those losers who don’t vote, don’t let people tell you that “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about the result.”

You can complain about whatever you want.

This is America.