Sunday, September 18, 2005

Stan by your Man.

Okay, kids, gather around! I’ve got some exciting “tight” new news for you. How many of you kids like Whitworth?

Good. Good. Now, how many of you like Sodexho?

What’s Sodexho, you say? Oh, for crying out loud, it’s what you stupid imps insist on calling “SAGA.”

Do you know how offensive that is to the good men and women who work for Sodexho anyway? Do you know all the tears and broken hearts that awful name, “SAGA” has caused student workers.

I don’t care if you DO know somebody who works there that isn’t offended. He doesn’t speak for the student body as a whole!

Okay, so he’s a Senator and his job is to speak for the student body as a whole! That’s beside the point! Now, kids, what would you like Sodexho to do for your school? What kind of stuff do you think would make Whitworth a happy joyful place where you can take your play-friends?

Cheaper Meal prices? That’s just silly! I mean, with a 2.3% inflation rate, it only makes sense that prices rise 15 percent! Plus, we just added a brand new Fried Eggplant bar in the café, and the cost of *that* was pretty hefty. No, I’m thinking of something else…

Food that doesn’t suck. Now you’re just being insolent! Do you know how long we spend leaving Bread out so it achieves that perfect crunchiness? Do you know how much of your money we spend to purchase the leftover meat from Big Gert’s Roadside Gas n’ Café? Do you know how hard it is to personally taste test every vegetable that goes into the stir fry?

Look, here’s what I’m think about. You know that area across from the Café? You know how it looks all drab, boring, grey, and just downright dreary. Where’s the spark?! Where’s the PIZZAZ?! Where’s the *funk?*

Oh, that’s right, kids. I totally used your word. The one that you and your “groovy” “chums” like to use so often. It just shows how “hep” and “with it” I am.

Here’s my idea. All that junk that’s in the café now? WE RIP IT OUT! We totally take SLUDGEHAMMERS and BULLDOZERS to it. And then, my friend, we FUNKIFY.

Christopher Lowell? We’ve hired them. The Fab Five? We’ve got ALL them. I’m going to need some Gold Paper, some stars, some fuzzy dize, some purple paint, and lots and lots of sparkles. And then we just go hog-wild! Won’t that be FUN! Won’t that be exciting! Won’t you love your tuition to be used that way!

And get this… I was going to keep this a secret, but I’m just to garsh-darn excited, so I have to tell you. We… get… THREE FLAVORS OF BLUEBERRY MUFFINS. And one flavor of a freakin’ scone! I’m sorry if I seem emotional. It’s just so… visionary! Like Dr. Martin Luther King, or possibly L. Ron Hubbard.

What this? There’s somebody already stationed there? Some business named Stan’s? Well, there are some little bits of technical details to you know work out and…

You want for him to stay? Look, we already offered him a job with Sodexho as the person who cleans under the grease vats. We offered him money to help start his own coffee business in Beruit. Coffee’s very popular there. But he turned them both down because he wanted to “stay at Whitworth.” That’s the kind of stubborn Coffee swilling scumbag he is.

Ha! Loyalty, shmoyalty! Was it loyalty that vaulted Benedict Arnold, the Rosenberg’s, or Cain into the annuals of history? No, it was looking out for number one, for the highest profit margin. That’s the stuff of a good business man.

Get this. The owner of Stan’s even wanted to bring in his own architect to help design the area around his Coffee dealey thingie. I had a simple choice of choosing the old man who’s been loyal to Whitworth for twenty years and choosing the soul-crushing culinary giant that employs hundreds of thousands across the globe. When it came right down to it, my heart belonged to Sodexho. Not to mention my first born son if I didn’t make the ‘right’ decision, but that’s a different story all together.

How many different pretentious names for coffee sizes does Stan’s have? Probably like three. Sodexho will have not only Grande, Venti and Extra Venti, but Veni, Vidi, Vici, Mussolini, Fettuccini, Vezzini, and Zamboni.

And what kind of name is “Stan’s” anyway? It certainly doesn’t sound like it was processed through a multi-level array of focus groups and high-level marketing executives. “Stan” is probably something his Mom came up with. For real Marketing genius, you turn to Sodexho, whose name conjures either images of quality foodstuffs served lovingly to smiling customers, or medication advertised by showing crinkly old people running on beaches in windbreakers.

We’ll give the new Café a flashy name that will be sure to attract you wide-eyed youngsters just by it’s pure hipness. Something like “Jazzmans” or “Crash Bandicoot’s” or “Slick Steve’s Drink Tank” or the “Vote for Pedro Café” since you young people seem to like that Neapolitan Dynamite movie so much.

In fact, were so confident about our ability to create a youthful yet serious coffee-muffin hybrid establishment, that we’re asking you college students for your advice on decorating! So, what should it be?

A Tombstone with the name Stan on it? You want to call it the “Money Pit?” Theme it around the board game, “Monopoly?” These are great ideas!

Now if only that warped, frustrated George Bailey would finally sell his drafty old Savings and Loan business to me, we could really get things done.