Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Night they Sued Christmas.

The saddest part about Sandra Day O'connor's retirement is that now my epic Christmas Ballad, The Night They Sued Christmas, won't make any sense. Okay, it will make even less sense that it does now. I wrote this for the Spokesman-Review Christmas Song contest. My friend and I performed it and sent it in, a few minutes before the deadline. Suprisingly, we didn't win the contest. I figure this is because of two reasons:

1) The mainsteam Spokesman-Review couldn't handle the radical status-quo challenging, preconception-shattering ideas contained within the soul of the song's musical genius.

2) The Musical Quality was that of a Garbage Truck being recorded by a muffled answering machine.

Without further delay, here's the song:

The Night they Sued Christmas

Here’s a little song… A song about a man.. a man named Santa… Now Santa Claus… was in some trouble… more and more Children said they didn’t BELIEVE in Santa Claus.
So Santa Claus began to make public appearances… he appeared at thousands of shopping malls simultaneously… and gradually that Doubt… THAT doubt… began to go away…
But then Santa made a mistake… a dreadful mistake!

Visiting one night… amongst the Christmas craze…
He raised his jolly voice and said his catchphrase.
He said “Merry Christmas,” and also, Ho, Ho.
But some people who were listening said “Oh No”

Christmas is offensive if its mentioned audibly,
Cuz it mentions something with which some may disagree
So the politically correct knew just what To Do.
They picked up the phone and called the ACLU

Santa was making gifts for Alex and also for Tina,
When he heard a knock at his door and got a Subpoena.
It said “Mr. Claus, read the entire report.
You said “Merry Christmas” now we’ll see you in court.


On Dasher, On Vixen, on Rudolph, and Donnor,
On Rhenquist, and also Sandra Day O’connor.
Supreme Justice in all your Church-State Separation,
I wish you a merry Hanukkah Kwanzaa Ramadaan Seasonal Festive Winter celebration.

Like Brown versus… the Board of Education,
This case would be watched… with much anticipation
The case worked it’s way up to the Court Supreme,
So Santa hired Frosty to be on his Legal Team

The prosecution, said Mr. Claus, you are not a good neighbor
Your giving makes inflation, and uses midget slave labor.
You’ve broken and entered, stuffing stockings with coal
And flying reindeer wrecks havoc on air traffic control.

Santa started to Sob but the lawyer didn’t cease
“You drink so much eggnog you are getting obese”
You’ve been spying on kids, and you have a list to show,
That giving to the nice is giving quid pro quo.


The tnese heat in the court was vividly felt,
And so Frosty the Snowman started to Melt
The case was drawing to an end, it was a quarter after four
When Santa’s legal team, was a puddle on the floor.

But then the Rudolph the reindeer, nose red from a cold
Let out a sneeze that he couldn’t quite hold
The prosecution, hearing Rudolph’s loud “Achoo”
Kindly, spoke up and Said “God Bless You”

Santa looked up, eyes twinkled with a smile,
“Now you said ‘God’. A Countersuit I will file”.
The expense will be tremendous but I have the Wealth
The ACLU will have to argue against themselves