Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Lately Fashionable.

Here's another newspaper article I wrote, this one on fashion. This was probably my most popular article.

It was during one of our Newspaper Reviewing sessions, in between everybody insulting Erik’s layout job and passing a motion to get some pizza, that Mo made the suggestion. Why don’t each of us Newspaperians write a column about something we didn’t know anything about. I was game. Having been in AP classes for two years I am an expert in writing about things I don’t know anything about. I thought about writing about a subject like “Failure”, but Mo suggested I write about “Fashion”.

I don’t know what he was trying to say. Maybe it’s because I use the tried and true “close your eyes and pick whatever’s on the top of the drawer” method of getting dressed. Maybe the Ketchup stains on my shirts clash with the Arby’s Sauce stains. Either way, I decided to delve into the exotic world of fashion designers, many of whom have fúnny márks abóve the léttérs in their ñämęś. Throughout my research I found many helpful fashion tips like “Do not pull your Corduroys above your pocket protector”. But instead of regaling you with the latest fashion trends (defined as “whatever fashion designers come up with in the shower”) I’ve decided to deal with the most basic elements of fashion first:

Shirts: The primary use of the shirt is to distinguish the Shirts Team from the Skins Team in Frisbee Football. Many shirts have witty and incisive slogans on them like “I’m with stoopid” “I paid $29.95 for this stupid T-shirt and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt”, and “Old Navy”

Pants: Most cultures in the world, with the exception of some indigenous tribes and Abercrombie and Fitch Models, wear pants. Recently, however, there has been quite a controversy because some women are wearing pants (or ‘knickers’ as they call them) instead of the more socially acceptable dress and corset combination. Next thing you know they’ll be asking for the right to vote!

Shoes: Unless you are a Hobbit or Hippie (they both smell similar), you probably wear shoes of some type. For example, your mother wears army boots. Shoes are very handy for killing spiders to big to wrangle with kleenex. Some people even own more than one pair of shoes, presumably because they are extraordinarily wealthy.

Hats: There are many types of hats: Baseball caps, beanies, three-cornered hats, cowboy hats, hats with those spinny propellers on them, and my father’s favorite, the toupee. Some people are so cool that they turn their hats sideways or backwards. This is what Abraham Lincoln did with his top hat. Unfortunately, the South mistook this for a gang symbol, and Lincoln was later shot.

Piercings: In an effort to counteract their attractiveness many people stab small holes in their flesh and fill them with metal objects. It used to be that this activity was limited to earlobes and voodoo dolls. But now, to rebel against people who were doing the exact same thing 10 years ago, people pierce their noses, navels, eyebrows, tongues, hair, eyeballs, small intestines, uvulas, mitochondria, and brains. The human-tacklebox look may seem painful but it is not without its benefits. During Christmas many of these people hang festive ornaments from their person. Those caught in avalanches can be easily found by any rescue team equipped with a metal detector.

Of course, the subtleties and nuance of fashion come from picking the correct combination of the above articles of clothing. Some, like the black and white striped shirt with the ball-and-chain accessory, go great together, while others are faux pas. (French for “Fox Pass”) For example, they tell me that wearing red wine with fish is just not done. Fortunately, after all my tireless and tiring research I discovered the secret to dressing sharp, dapper, and as in vogue as the people in Vogue.

I simply ask my sister.